


A Wolf Knows A Wolf

by theniftycat



Category: Kingsman (Movies), The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 13:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7685560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theniftycat/pseuds/theniftycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally written in Russian by me</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in Russian by me

“By the way, did you try to keep up with the fashion in the seventies?’

"No. That’s why I became a fashion designer.”

“Ha! I always knew I had to expect something of a sort from you. Considering your fancies…”

“Would you shut up, please?”

“Ok, ok. Well, I did look really funny in the seventies. I even let my hair grow down! But by the time we met it was all over, of course.”

Illya looked at Napoleon curiously.

“Really? You? With long hair?”

“Yeah. But it wasn’t any longer than that black wig of yours.”

“Hm.”

“I think we should buy one for personal purposes, don’t you think?”

“You’ve got to know that I won’t put it on.”

“Alright, I’ll have it! To keep my memories of you alive if you won’t be near.”

“You dirty pervert.”

They went into a tailor shop.

“Good afternoon, we’re here to take our suits. Thank you, we won’t be needing any help.”

The tailor silently handed them their suits and showed them to a fitting-room.

“You know, I always imagined that I’ll have these sorts of entertainment when I’m older. Fine drinks, Savile Row, expensive cars, travels… But in my thoughts I saw myself with a beautiful young girl or even two, not some short old man like you.”

“And I knew from the moment I met you that you’ll get fat. That’s why I left you then.”

Napoleon lifted his eyebrows and then grinned again.

“But we both couldn’t escape.”

Illya didn’t say anything.

Napoleon took off his jacket and hanged it on a knob. Then he turned to Illya smiling and winked.

“It’s a silly habit.” - said Illya, but couldn’t resist smiling.

“But imagine that we’ll actually uncover an international spy network!”

“Sod off.”

Napoleon smiled again and pulled the left knob down.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur was sitting topside at the table, to the left of him Gawain occupied the next but one chair. They were both looking at Illya and Napoleon who were standing to the right of Arthur and the eyes of modern knights showed many thoughts and emotions.

"So, you mean to say that you used to work for a secret organisation with its headquarters opening the same way as ours and now you just visit random tailors and pull the knobs?" asked Arthur.

"Basically, yes," nodded Napoleon. Illya was closely watching his face.

"And this organisation was U.N.C.L.E.?"

"Exactly!"

"Please, sit down, gentlemen."

With a thankful nod Napoleon threw a quick mischievous glance at Illya and occupied the chair that was closest to Arthur. Illya sat by his side.

"I'm very grateful for your invitation to sit down," said Napoleon making himself comfortable. "Age, you understand."

"Yes, I understand," nodded Arthur. "Would you care for a drink?"

Napoleon opened his mouth, but Illya managed to interrupt him with his decisive "No." The look Solo gave him read "Why, I could do it myself." Illya shifted his glance to Gawain.

Arthur followed this glance and it looked like he only just remembered about the fourth person behind the table.

"Ah, Gawain. Any luck?"

Gawain's eyes looked glazy because of the files he was reading in his glasses. He started and looked around, then he took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes and answered: "It all fits."

Arthur smiled discreetly and then turned to the ex-spies.

"So, I can trust you, gentlemen?"

"Absolutely," answered Napoleon significantly.

"But if you have any kind of an effective serum that can erase one's memory for the last couple of hours, don't hesitate to use it. I personally will tell everything about you if tortured." Illya looked Arthur straight in the eyes and said these words slowly and calmly. Then he caught Napoleon's surprised glance and added: "I'm too old for this shit."

Napoleon smiled solely with his lips and turned to Arthur.

"I wouldn't say the exact same thing. After all, I was finally right for a change and found a secret organisation under cover as a tailor shop! It's like the good old days are back. But if you will choose to act the way my Russian friend suggests, don't hesitate and erase memory to both of us. Even though I'm sure that I can handle being tortured."

Illya looked at his friend with curiousity.

"...But I wouldn't want to test it."

Illya shifted his glance to his hands to hide a smile.

Arthur who was watching them attentively all this time, smiled warmly and leaned forward showing that he was ready for a well-intended chit-chat.

"Please, don't worry, gentlemen. Now, when we know who you are, we won't do to you anything unpleasant. But let me make an idle inquiry: did your organisation actually borrow its cover from us?"

Illya raised his head and frowned. Napoleon opened his mouth with its corners down.

"I beg your pardon?" blinked Solo.

"But it's completely obvious. Kingsman is an old and respected organisation that exists for over 90 years. And your U.N.C.L.E. was created..." Arthur inquirinly looked at Gawain. He started and put his glasses back on.

"No information available," he reported.

Napoleon put his hands on the table and straightened his back.

"A very long time ago." He exchanged looks with Illya.

"Yes, mister Waverly worked in it since the Crimean war."

"Or since the Italian campaigns..." seriously continued Solo.

"Of Napoleon," the edges of Illya's lips moved upwards.

"He was very old," concluded Napoleon.

"Just like we now," added Illya.

"Yes... And he worked for U.N.C.L.E. all his life. So, it's you who did the borrowing."

"Or plagiarism."

"Or larceny."

Gawain looked confused. Arthur showed one of his not-so-pleasant smiles.

"I see you pull no punches, gentlemen."

"Exactly, mister..." started Illya.

"Arthur."

"Mister Arthur."

"Just Arthur. And he is Gawain."

Napoleon raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth.

"Is that a Round table?" he looked at Illya, his eyes narrowed.

"But it's square!" shrugged Illya.

"Exactly! And we had an actual round table!"

"And spinning."

"And spinning."

"Let's go out of here, Napoleon, they make no sense."

"Yes, gentlemen. And what, do you only have twelve agents?"

"Some sources say that sixteen."

"Yes. And I bet you have a Merlin."

"Merlin? Well, that would be too much, Napoleon. Let's go, let's no longer test patience of our knightly hosts."

Illya stood up and pulled Napoleon's sleeve.

"Actually.... we really do have Merlin." Put his word in Arthur. "Don't laugh. What kind of code-names did you have?"

"We had numbers," answered Illya.

"Eleven," nodded Napoleon.

"Two."

"Well, at least I guessed rightly who of you was superior," smiled Arthur.

"What do you mean?" asked Solo. "It was me who was the chief."

Illya rolled his eyes.

"Let's go."

"Well," said Napoleon getting up, "I hope you don't mind us leaving."

"You are welcome, gentlemen," Arthur nodded towards the exit. "But there's one condition."

"What is it?"

"Don't end up here anymore."

"Oh, you shouldn't have asked!"

***

"Kingsman," read the name Napoleon as they were outside. "Spying goes downhill nowadays."

"They reminded me of English mafia."

"Which one?"

"The one we blew up in Brazil."

"Ah, there was also this girl with puddings! What was her name?.."

"Napoleon!"

"What, are you jealous?"

"No. You still remember my name."


End file.
